By Aryeh Spero

Reports coming out of the White House indicate that President Obama had a bad night on Saturday after finding out that the United States was leading the rest of the world in Olympic medals.  Obama said: “This is no time to gloat, and, in fact, represents another manifestation of American arrogance.”  He went on to say that the lack of Olympic medals for non-Western countries is “yet another indication of the effects of colonialism by America and the West over countries in other parts of the world”.

When hearing of the American victories, Obama stated: “Let me be clear.  As I have stated many times before, I am uncomfortable with the notion of American victory, as it reminds me of the poor Japanese representative who was forced to surrender after World War II aboard that American boat where that General of the American armed forces declared victory for America and its Allies.”

Obama then decried “the chauvinism” of American athletes enrobing themselves in American flags after achieving victory. He went on to admonish: “This is exactly the type of activity that has caused the world to hate America and one of the reasons we needed a change of Administration in Washington.” He continued: “I ran for office promising hope and change.   My hope was to change this American triumphalism that offends nations across the globe.”

When asked if he had ever considered becoming an Olympic athlete, Obama replied: “As the Anointed One, I certainly could have been anything I wanted. But I chose to be President rather than an Olympic athlete so that if I ever won, I would not be forced to encircle myself in the American flag nor have to stand in tribute on the platform while the Star Spangled Banner was being played.” He continued that another reason he never entered the Olympics was his inability to find his passport and birth certificate confirming whether he was born in Kenya, Indonesia or Hawaii.

Obama did mention that victories by so many Americans were a verification of what he proclaimed last summer in Cairo: “This shows the major contributions that Islam has made to America since its inception and to America’s Olympic team.” He pointed out: “We have here a ‘teachable moment’ showing that the custom of draping oneself in a national flag emanates from the age-old Islamic custom practiced by ‘women of cover’.”  

Jihadists throughout the radical Islamic world applauded the President’s remarks, stressing that the lack of medals coming from their own countries is due to the fact that “we cannot waste the talents and energy of our young people training for athletics when they are needed, as members of the Religion of Peace, for the more important work of training to becoming suicide bombers.”

Obama continued his remarks by saying that he was saddened by “the lack of participation in the Olympics of ACORN and members of the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). “  Later, in a joint statement with Al Gore, both remarked how the abundance of snow at this year’s Olympics in Vancouver verified once against how the world is being plagued by global warming. Afterwards, both men returned to the White House Dining Room where they partook of the usual Obama menu of $100 per pound Kobe Beef.

When asked what he would have done had he been able to secure the forthcoming Olympics for Chicago, Obama pointed his finger:  “First, as we speak, I am forming a Commission to appoint an Olympic Czar, preferably from the ‘educated class.’ Second, as with the auto industry, college loans and health care, we need to nationalize the Olympic training of American youths. Third, the fact that only a few Americans have medals is an indication that we need Olympic Care since it is evident that not all Americans can afford Gold Medals, let along Bronze, and this is especially apparent from the lack of medals among our ‘undocumented’ Americans.   Fourth, there is a desperate need to redistribute medals.”

Obama was heartened by the fact that other countries have won medals.  As he said: “This is proof positive to what I have been saying  my entire life and what I mentioned recently in an interview, specifically, that American Exceptionalism is no different than Swedish exceptionalism or Nigerian exceptionalism. “ The President went on to say: “The fact that only one woman from America has thus far won a Gold Medal indicates that what I said to the Muslim world while in Cairo still rings true:  that America has problems with equality and opportunity for women no less than does the Islamic world.”

Obama did recognize the diversity and multitude of events comprising the Winter Olympics. He suggested, however, that a new competition be incorporated called “Miranda Rights for All”, where western governments compete to show who can give more Miranda rights and lawyers to the greatest number of Islamic terrorists.  Obama concluded by saying that by holding the Olympics in Vancouver the world has followed his urging: “After all, I have twice urged Americans not to hold major events in Las Vegas.”